The Holiday Season: Marriage Tips (Part 5 of 7)

Greetings. In the next 7 weeks, I want to write to spouses and to your marriage about how the two of you are going to experience this holiday season. I will use the word holiday by writing about each letter to give your marriage some tips about how to experience this season. I hope you find these tips helpful.

The next letter is Desire. What comes to mind when you think of this word desire? Do you have desires? Can you feel and recognize what are your desires? As you prepare for this holiday season, do you know your desire at this time of the year?

Desire has to do with knowing what are your wants and needs. What do you want at this holiday season? If I asked you to write down your top 5 wants during this time of the year, would you be able to write them down? For example, maybe your top five wants has to do with various categories such as your time, food, preferences, or whom to spend this season with. Your wants are based upon your preference of how you want this season to go for you and your marriage.

In the same way, you needs also are important. Needs at this time of year are very important both for each spouse and for the marriage. Some needs you may want to consider are kindness, patience, comfort, love and understanding.

The invitation is for each spouse to write down both your needs and wants. After you finish your list, then sit down on the couch and express what your desires for this holiday season are? As each spouse shares, listen for the sake of understanding. Find ways where both of you are feeling heard and understood regarding your desires. Then also communicate together what are the desires for the marriage in which both of you are wanting to fulfill these desires.

The goal is to not allow this season to be another year in which you go into survival mode. Far too often, this holiday season can be filled with trying to live up to the demands and expectations of others. Instead, look for ways to fulfill the some of the expectations of others but also fulfill the desires for your marriage. Don’t let the expectation of others sabotage your personal and marriage desires. Protect the marriage and fulfill desires based upon what the marriage wants and needs. And I promise you, this holiday season will be much more fulfilling.
Thanks for reading.

Phillip Kiehl, LMFT #42351

Author of “Creating the Healthy Marriage You Want: Stop Accusing & Start Accepting One Another.”